Introspection

Time for a closer analysis of me.

It's Sunday morning and I'm working my way through some materials on homeschooling, parenting, life and Christianity. I'm sitting at my own desk with all the materials neatly arranged just waiting for me to move forward and commit fully to what I believe. To what I might know, if I let myself. But why do I hold back? Make excuses? Put it off until later? Raise impossible barriers so I can defend myself against those who may never ask and don't really have any business asking? I'm talking about faith. My faith. What I believe.

I'm such a people pleaser that I find it hard to move forward in my life and make a commitment to a belief system. It frightens me. What will my husband think? I know he's supportive to the utmost and possibly ridiculously so. Mr E always encourages and never belittles what I'm thinking about. He always listens and rarely if ever casts a judgment. Of course it is important to me and my marriage about what I believe and how that affects our family unit and also what I may come to expect from my beautiful husband but that doesn't necessarily make me the people pleaser I claim to be.

My values are like the leaves blowing in the wind. My closest girl friends are either non-believers or have a view of the universe that is radically different from my own. But I can always see their point. I can validate easily how they have come to their conclusions for themselves but when it comes to myself what do I have? Not that strength. Words fail me and my thoughts are incoherent, much less explainable and defensible. But I guess that's the key, defense. Why do I feel the need to defend myself with family, friends and acquaintances? Why do I need to feel validated by anothers' approval? It's ridiculous and crazy and makes me want to scream! Who am I? I have to identify myself through my own value system not someone else's which I can only sum up through their words and actions.

I'm also more afraid of something else.

If I believe in God and in Christ I know I'm not worthy. I know I can't live by all the 'rules'. I know I'll break them because I am weak. I am not virtuous. I have a mind that thinks what it will and I battle with myself and often lose.

So, I turn to prayer.

I've always told myself that I'll make a decision regarding my spirituality when I know enough. Bit of a cop out though isn't it. When would I truly know enough.

There are women in my life who are beautiful examples of Christian womanhood. When I am troubled, confused or want support it is with them I will find my strength.

And my husband.

And I will keep praying, continuously :)

(a small disclaimer - my blog is for my thoughts and never will I claim to be clear, concise and make any sense. But I value this space. I have somewhere to come and write about how I'm feeling. It aids me in clarity and I hope that it's understandable but if not, that's okay. Because already I feel my fear ease a little through 'talking' about it. Thanks for hanging out with me this morning and reading my ramble :D)